“Subtle” is not a natural male specialty. Men tend to be pretty straightforward (as illustrated by the diagram below,) identifying what they want and going directly at it. Most of the time this works pretty well, but it might not be your best strategy when it comes to receiving the gifts you want for Christmas.
Here at Mad Gringo, we understand this problem and know the disappointment that might accompany a Gringoless Christmas. Being problem solvers by nature, we’ve come up with this handy guide to help you make sure you drop the appropriate hints leading to that tropical shirt you’ve been lusting after for months.
Trust me, your wife/girlfriend/significant other will appreciate this advice because it will make her task that much easier. Subtle, yet clear. It could be our tagline. Except we’ve already got a better one – Go Slow
Leave www.madgringo open on your wife’s web browser. Adjust this every time you walk past and see that it has changed. If questioned, claim there are forces at work “bigger than the both of us.”
Wear that old, sweat-stained, baseball cap non-stop. Make sure it gets so disgusting that a new nap cap becomes the only reasonable protection against perpetual nausea.
Whine “if we can’t take a real beach vacation, can’t I at least pretend?” Repeat this at least twenty times per day in a high-pitched, nasal voice (points given for exceeding this total.) Suggest that a pair of slippahs and a holiday tee might just be enough to shut you up.
Refuse to wear pants. Unless they are shorts with a certain pineapple skull logo. Clench teeth and try to act normal when going outside to shovel snow.
Talk incessantly about the Kokopelli drapes you think would look great in the living room. Repeatedly show your spouse the pattern you prefer. Grudgingly concede a tropical shirt would be an acceptable compromise.
Shred your oldest MG t-shirt, then use the scraps as rags to wax the wife’s car. Mumble about how, “you had to sacrifice your favorite shirt, but it’ll be worth it.” Optional: Recruit a troupe of monkeys to perform the actual work.
Empty your t-shirt drawer and strategically leave it open several times per day. Print a photo of the shirts you desire, and slip them inside. Blame “elves.”
Order what you want, yourself. Wrap and place under the tree, identifying your wife as the giver and you as the receiver. Act surprised when you open it.
String a hammock in your bedroom. Refuse to get out of it until your demands for tropical clothing are met. Keep plenty of tequila handy.
Plan a luau party for your backyard. Start digging the pig pit. Allow yourself to be distracted by the prospect of a new tropical shirt. Agree to give up the Kalua pig in exchange for desired gear. Hold the party anyway.
Preferably somewhere warm.
Follow these tips, and you should find what you’re hoping for underneath the Christmas tree.